I'm Tired of Band-Aids, Heal Me Lord
As a college student I was very anti-government. Deep down somewhere
inside of me I had this dream of marching to the capital and tearing
down the
walls of the white house. I was honestly fed up, sick, tired, and just
plain frustrated. With life, society, my circumstances and
the never-ending problems of those around me. As a child I would cry
out many nights wondering why it had to be like this, why was I brought
in a world to live such a painful existence and get beaten down and
taken advantage of by so many people. It didn't make sense to me why I
had so little and others had so much. It didn't make sense how I
experienced all that I did in my childhood and why some adults were
still acting
like children. Who thought this life would bring so much pain and
suffering? The world just sometimes doesn't make any sense to me. I
honestly did not know why God created me. Why do so many bad things
happen to good people? Why do all the good things seem to happen to bad
people? It seemed like a mystery that remained unsolved no matter how
many questions I asked. I have often felt myself asking God why and
when, but not getting an answer right away. I had come to the
conclusion that I
deserved whatever happened to me. And with not knowing my purpose as a
young adult - life seemed pointless.
I was confused about why God allowed things like
poverty, racial, and sexual discrimination happen. I was confused
about why societal issues were running my life, in some
instances and at times causing me to become a product of my
environment. It took me a while to learn that these things were not
from the God I know now, but from the enemy. There were and still are
lies, which are in need of destruction before they cause more hurt and
pain in others. Lifelong pain, generational pain, pain one just doesn't
know how to get rid of. Pain from watching a child die, pain from not
finding employment, pain from not being able to feed my family. Lies
that I was bad person, lies that black was not beautiful, lies that I
would never fulfill my destiny. It is amazing how God can use the
devils works and sin for his glory. No matter how frustrated I 
became
with life I know everything is purposeful. Just because I didn't
understand it, didn't mean that God didn't have a reason for its
occurrence.
I thought I was crying out due
to my frustration, but it never really clicked that I was actually
praying to my God who was hearing me. Because I am his child and
he
had no choice but to soon answer me. As I allowed Christ to enter more
into my life, I realized how ignorant I was to think suffering and
the imitation of our Savior's life did not go hand in hand. If I wanted
to be like my Savior, I had to go through some things in life.
Jesus' entire life all the way to resurrection was not an easy road, so
why did I have the
mentality that mine deserved to be easy. God began to reveal to me
that some things in my current life and in my childhood had to happen
to make me the person that I am today. God wanted a certain character
and personality out of me and he birthed this through my life
experiences.
Don't get me wrong, now that I have revelation on why I went through so
much, that did not make
life easier. When you know why you got burned by the iron that doesn't
make the pain or the burn go away. But it teaches you many lessons and
I thank God for them.
Pain and depression still surface to this day
and I know now it will be a long enduring process before I am
completely healed. Throughout life I have learned that:
- I must let my
past go in order to reach and grab for my future, which holds the many
promises
of God.
- Life just is not fair, but that doesn't mean it is not ordered
and predestined by our Lord.
- Everything occurs for a reason. Whether it
is for us to grow, learn, or mature.
- God needs to produce some things
out of us. We are the branches on His vine and he gets tired of
not seeing any fruit.
So I guess the journey I am on now is the road
to take these bandages off. I am tired of trying to cover up my pain in
public, due to the fact that other Christians may think my faith has
wavered or my life is full of sin. I am sick of trying to relieve my
pain with failed relationships with the opposite sex or worldly idols.
The trick is surrendering. If I want healing, I must give it all to
God. I can not serve the Lord the way he wants me to serve him if I am
not completely whole (meaning spirit, soul, and body). The miraculous
thing is that when we individually become whole, then our families can
become whole, and more importantly the body of Christ can become whole.
The job of the church and other fellow
Christians is important. The enemy constantly tells those seeking
healing, that they will never be healed or they may even go back into
their sinful state. Those who are whole have the job of not judging or
condemning those who are not whole, but the job of encouraging them and
being content with the fact that they are not there yet. But our
Savior
is surely on the job of getting them there.
While I am on my road to healing, when my past
comes to
haunt me or on bad days I must remember that it is not God's will that
any of his children should live in emotional distress. Jesus healed all
that came to him, and never refused one. The definition of 'heal' is
to make completely whole (body, mind, and spirit). God is a trichotomy
of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit so if we are shaped in his image it
should not be a surprise that we are formed in the three elements of
body, soul and spirit. Man is a spirit, with a soul, that is housed in
a body and my prayer is that God brings accordance and completeness in
me as well as others that are broken that we may use our spirits,
souls, and bodies to fulfill the ministry that he is birthing in us.
To contact the author, Natasha
Miller
email her at natasha@wheretoworship.com
